Stats of the Day:
83% of young people (ages 13-39) agree that “friendships are equally as important as romantic relationships” (YPulse)
82% of married or engaged to be married young people also agreed
What It Means:
Prioritizing friendship is not something new, but to view it as equal in importance as one’s romantic relationship, even among those who are in a committed relationship, is striking. With so many young people burned out on dating apps and hookup culture, they’re lowering romance on their list of priorities. It therefore makes sense that they would turn to other relationships that are meaningful and engaging but have less ambiguity and pressure.
Why It Matters:
The church is much more than a place of worship—it is also a space for community and friendship. Though community and connectedness may seem to grow naturally as the result of the same group of people gathering regularly, it is more often the result of many different individuals putting in the effort to create a warm and welcoming atmosphere week after week: the person who arrives early to brew coffee in the gathering hall, the greeters at the door, the couple who organizes an occasional post-service potluck, and the extrovert who makes a point of connecting with new faces, among many others.
Most church leaders know this already, hence our efforts to ensure organized ministries in these areas. But what if we were to focus more intentionally on developing deep friendships in our communities? What might that look like and what more could be done to encourage this in our congregations?
Historic Precedents:
The greatest historic precedent for deep, spiritual friendship in the church comes from the monastic tradition. Though life together in the monastic tradition was rarely easy, it was often a source of great solace and mutual support. Monasteries and convents were places where single people could share their lives together, from regular prayer throughout the day and night to labor in the fields and shared meals at the table. These places were full of structured together-time—the prayers having set liturgies and the meals often filled with the reading aloud of spiritual texts and contemplative silence. However, their regular rhythms also allowed for a great deal of unstructured time that had opportunities for conversation—times of study, cooking, working, and traversing the spaces in between.
The balance between structured and unstructured communal gatherings is something the monastic tradition did well. Though we may not be able to achieve a similarly perfect balance of structured and unstructured time in our communal gatherings, we can nevertheless examine our congregational patterns in light of this tradition.
Questions for Reflection:
Consider the different kinds of calendar events at your congregation: how many of them involve structured time together as a community versus unstructured time? How much space is there in the calendar for people to simply be together, to socialize and connect in a low-stakes way? How can we cultivate more intentional friendship while providing both unstructured and semi-structured spaces for members to deepen their relationships with one another? Alternatively, we might have too much unstructured community time, and more structure (communal prayer, spiritual readings, etc.) would help to orient us back towards the Gospel of Christ. These are questions that all churches can consider. Commuter churches where no one lives near one another or socializes together may need more unstructured time with one another, while churches that feel more like social clubs might need more spiritually-oriented structure.
In both cases, the take-away remains: young people are especially interested in friendship that is deep and lasting, and these days, they’re as interested in that as they are in looking for a romantic partner. This is a longing the church can and should be well-positioned to engage today—becoming a community characterized by deeply spiritual friendships that knit us together in love. And while it may speak specifically to the needs and desires of young people today, the call to spiritual friendship is one the church has pursued since its beginning as a small band of friends following their friend and teacher, Jesus.