Stat(s) of the Day:
more than one in four American adults “expect managing family dynamics to negatively impact their well-being this holiday season” (Fortune: Well)
73% of Americans rank “spending time with family” as one of the most important things to them personally, more than double any other response category (Pew)
What It Means:
Our last two Insights covered these seemingly contradictory statistics: most people place a very high value on time with family while many experience so much family-related stress and anxiety that they expect it to cause some kind of mental or emotional harm.
Of course, these two things are not actually exclusive of one another—we can desire and enjoy family time while finding it stressful, sometimes extremely so. Many people feel a natural pull to be with family during the holidays, whether extended family members or their own nuclear families. Indeed, isolation from family celebrations during the holidays can be a significant hardship for many, especially following major life changes like divorce. A death in the family system can add uncertainty and anxiety to long-held traditions, especially when someone passes under especially tragic or sudden circumstances—everyone is on edge because the pain is raw and they’re all trying to keep it together as best they can.
For many college students, there are various other dynamics to navigate. Many college-aged adults leave home and experience significant growth or change in their lives—they see the world differently, the place they’re from differently, and they’re rapidly gaining new perspectives on themselves and the people around them. They may have changed their political opinions, developed friendships with others who have very different worldviews, adopted new religious views, or simply abandoned the views they grew up with. Returning home, all this change and growth seems out of place—their family of origin doesn’t know what to do with how they’ve changed and instinctively treats them the same way they always have. This can cause stress, frustration, and even alienation, especially as some changes represent fundamental shifts in core aspects of personal identity.
For young adults who live farther away, similar dynamics can play out. They’ve gone off, started their careers, met new people, and are finding their place in the adult world. Returning home for the holidays, they find that little has changed: no one is over mom and dad’s divorce, their uncles still have the same argument about politics over dinner, and the young adults themselves regress to acting like teenagers around their siblings and parents. Family time can be emotionally-loaded indeed!
Why It Matters:
As we lead our congregations through the end of Advent and the Christmas season, it can be especially helpful to tend to some of these dynamics. Simply acknowledging them in conversation with congregants and especially with young people returning home for the holidays can create a powerful sense of connection to the church community. Family systems may be relatively resistant to change, but church leaders can play a unique role of shifting some of these dynamics by empathizing with both sides and acknowledging the ways in which pilgrimages home can be particularly fraught with stress and conflict.
Questions for Pastoral Caregivers During the Holidays:
How can we support our congregants as they navigate the excitement and frustration of gathering back together? Can we engage and support their grief over lost traditions and family dynamics as their own families change, both from deaths in the family but also as children grow up, form nuclear families of their own and create new traditions?
Additionally, how might we support those who have moved away and return home for celebrations, struggling as they often are with the tensions of the ways they’ve personally changed and the sense of distance that can create with their families of origin? What would it look like to engage these concerns and needs more directly as pastoral caregivers, supporting grandparents, parents, young adults and more as they work through the joys of family time at Christmas and the stress that comes along with it?